Rooouuuuuuuuuundabout four, five years ago, I hit what you might call “a rough spot”. End of my marriage, purchase of a house, the move, mom had a health crisis, things like that. A rough spot. And I grew up incredibly poor, so food has always been a comforting thing. Thus, I have always been…a little rounder than necessary, usually right around 160 when the charts all say I should be 140, but fuck those BMI charts anyway, I like a little curvy. But this little “rough spot” pushed me to be far heavier than I’ve ever been. I freaked out when the scales tipped past 200, did the paleo diet thing, and lost 40 pounds.
I weighed pretty close to my target weight, I had a shiny new house that needed some decorating, I looked cute, my job was going great!
And then this whole thing kicked in for real. Annnnnnd I began stress eating. And so I gained back ten pounds.
And then my little brother and his family moved in with me while they wait for their new home to become ready, and they have a little kid, and they eat a lot of processed food. I am surrounded by unhealthy food and people giving me permission and non-judgment to eat it. And it tastes good and is easy, which is why I got fat in the first place. So I eat fast food while we are out, I eat processed food smothered in ranch while I’m home, and drink sugared soda again instead of diet. And so I gained another ten pounds.
And theeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn prednisone.
Fucking prednisone.
With the water weight gain and the wanting to eat ALL. THE. TIME. And there’s nothing around me but junk food. And so I gained another twenty pounds.
So now I’m just about back to the weight I was when I lost my shit in the first place and started hardcore dieting. I had to buy new clothes because I’d either thrown away or turned my fat pants into painting pants. I feel gross, I feel unattractive, I feel like a loser. …As I shove another handful of candy in my mouth because holy SHIT does the prednisone make me want to eat, like, ALL THE TIME. And my life is incredibly stressful right now, so I console and reward myself with delicious food. And so I gain weight.
FUCK IT – YOU ARE DYING! EAT ALL THE CREAM PUFFS. ALL OF THEM. ALL THAT EVER WERE. WHAT’S IT GONNA DO, KILL YOU? HEY IS THAT SALTED CARAMEL SAUCE? I BET IT WOULD BE AMAZING TO DIP THOSE CREAM PUFFS IN. YOU’RE DYING – LIVE A LITTLE. YOU CAN’T PUSH CREAM PUFFS DOWN A FEEDING TUBE, BITCHES. ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN.
I tell myself I’ll get back on the paleo diet just as soon as my little bro and his family are out – I’ll be cooking for myself only, and I can buy non-processed shit. I won’t have someone else to cook for me, and I won’t be going out to fast food every other night anymore. I will Eat Right and Lose Weight. And I won’t be on the prednisone for much longer, so that will help a lot, too.
Except eeeeeeeverything I’ve been reading about ALS has said in big bold print that if you have ALS, YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT DIET TO LOSE WEIGHT. Because…well….you’re not going to be able to eat, eventually, and you’re going to NEED that extra weight to live off of. And statistically, my doctor tells me, people with extra weight tend to have better prognoses.
It’s every fat girl’s dream! Not only PERMISSION, but RECOMMENDATION to stay fat!
HEY CAN I GET A SIDE OF RANCH WITH THESE FRIES?
…But I don’t WANT to be fat. Yes, food is delicious, but I really liked being able to fit into 32s. I felt healthier, I looked cute. I want to be there again. I want to be rid of this emerging double chin. I want to fit into medium girls’ shirts – I’d say small, but I’ve always been too busty for that nonsense, and I am OKAY WITH THAT – because I have some really awesome ones. My Night Vale shirts are all mediums and I miss them. I want to not sweat so goddamned much. I want to not have my shirt flip up in the back when I sit down. I want to be not so self conscious about it when it does.
I don’t want to be fat.
I have the power to not be fat. I have the self control. I have proven this. In 5 months, I lost 40 pounds. I can do it again. I just don’t know if I SHOULD. I mean, yes, eventually I will not be able to eat at all. Probably. It doesn’t always happen. I don’t think this necessarily gives me permission to eat whatever I want though. And I don’t know that hauling around this extra weight is any healthier, in the long run. It’s such a slow progression, and I can’t be fat for years and years “just in case” I start to become unable to eat.
So do I trade healthier and happier NOW for just healthier later?
I will ponder this some more, while I eat my Taco Bell lunch.
Mmmmm Baja Blast.
This is quite a conundrum you’ve found yourself in. I’m obviously going to vote for EAT ALL OF THE CREAM PUFFS. But whatever makes you feel good is a pretty good answer, too. That doesn’t necessarily mean eat all of the everything, if doing that makes you feel like shit. Good luck, girl. Maybe just smother some veggies in ranch instead of pizza??? Not perfect, but a nice middle ground in my eyes.
^^^(Not a medical opinion 😉
I’ll figure it out eventually. I usually do. 🙂 I also adore you for regularly commenting on these posts. It helps me feel like I’m not talking to myself so much. <3
I try not to be a stalker… 🙂
ALSO, didn’t read the other comments before I posted this… It’s funny how it can feel sort of creepy reading strangers words, and even creepier reaching out. When in reality everyone loves a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation. I really love reading what you’re sharing here. :*
That sounds like the very definition of double-edged sword. Go halfway with whatever makes you feel good.
BTW, those pills sound like the very definition of h*ll in a bottle.
If these pills are helping keep my strength up, then I’ll take them and be 300 pounds. I’m just glad I missed the bitchiness side effect that I’ve seen in a lot of other people who take it. Maybe it just brings out your existing bitchitude and I don’t have much. 🙂
But there probably IS a compromise somewhere. I just need to find the balance.
If it’s any consolation (to feeling like you’re talking to yourself in these post), I read your post religiously, and have done so since I saw your reddit piece. I don’t comment because I feel like I’ve got nothing constructive to say and that if I did comment, only to say great piece, you’d think I’m a stalker. Me thinks you need a like button at the end of your posts 😉
Interesting conundrum you’ve got here. You sound like someone who’s very logical, I’m sure you’ll figure out a healthy balance.
I sympathise with how uncomfortable the extra weight is. I’m about 10-15kg(can’t do pound conversion, it’s way too late) overweight and I’m not happy. Mine is excess pregnancy weight, which I was slowly getting the better of, but we’ve come for a holiday to The States and I can feel an extra chin just from being here 9 days!!! God help me but I won’t fit on an aeroplane when we go home in July!
Hee hee, I wouldn’t think you a stalker, promise! And it’s delightful to know that there are people reading my words that I don’t know. Hehehe maybe there’s something to the idea of a like button, though. I’ve often read really emotional pieces by friends, and commented only to say, “I have nothing to say to this, but I have read all of it, and I love you.” and I hope that’s enough.
The States are REALLLLLY good at making people fat, I swear. It’s not just you. I hope you’re enjoying it, though! Welcome!
You were also the very first person to comment on this blog, ever, and I don’t think I can tell you just how happy that made me.
Clearly I’ve thought about this way too much but, in my defence, I’ve spent the better part of today driving across state lines 🙂
Stay with me, the following ramble has a point, I promise.
A friend of mine’s brother passed away, 7 years ago, from a very aggressive skin cancer. He was diagnosed and passed away only 6 months later. He was 25 years old and newly married. Due to his age, he was advised to embrace all treatments, even though his prognosis was always terminal, they were just trying to give him some extra time. In the end, it was thought that all the treatments probably extended his life by a month, or two at the most. These extra couple of months came at a great cost to his quality of life. Chemo/radiation/trial drugs were brutal and he was very ill for most of those 6 months.
My friend shell, his sister, says that the thing she learnt from this horrible experience is that she, if faced with a terminal illness, would always choose quality of life over longevity. I know it’s easy to make these resolutions when you’re not actually facing a terminal illness but it’s something I often think about. Sadly it’s something I”ve been thinking about more frequently over the years because, since Michael passed away, I’ve had a few more friends pass from terminal illnesses.
Your mental strength is incredible. The ALS is progressing slowly – woohoo! You have years and years and years left, in which time new drugs and therapies may significantly change your prognosis (look at the leaps and bounds treatments for AIDS have made in the last few decades). Make a decision about your weight based on your quality of life, here and now.
This all coming from the person stuffing her face with marshmallows and drinking a bottle of sangria! Take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a bowl of I’ve cream…whatever floats your boat 😉
Well the way I see it? I believe in miracles! You don’t have to die of ALS! I believe God can heal you. I also believe in living until I die! So as you know I had been over 300 for some time. I got Celulitis last Jan. in hospital 10 days, went home lost 40-lbs. just didn’t eat. I also love food and that is a big problem for me too. But I don’t feel you need to keep those extra pounds because maybe later you will need them. that’s like that dr. told your mom it was not the smoking that caused her heart-attach. (HELLO!) Be as healthy as we can be! that is the only thing I can say. If you want to weight 140 lbs. then do what you need to do to get there and be happy wearing the cute shirts and clothes you have. I have been going through my old clothes and I am happy to put them in the front of my closet. I have a long way to go to meet your 140 lbs but I believe I will get there some day. It is one day at a time here on earth, so lets give it all we have.
Tell your little bro that you need less junk food in the house. He will understand. They also need to eat more healthy. Justin is not getting any younger and he needs to live healthier as well.
I am praying to God that He will heal you of this ALS! Your miracle is coming! Trust in the Lord with all of your strength and all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding!
God had a future for you. Jer. 29:11-13 Good health. Crack open that bible, there are some good promises in there for each one of us. bible.com my fav right now is the message translation.
I believe you can beat this ALS! All things are possible with God!
love and hugs,
Auntie Phyl
<3 Thanks, Aunt Phyl. It's hard to tell Justin I want less junk food in the house when I really kind of don't, hehehe.