Bra Ra Ra

In this installment of Things It Never Occurred to Me I’d Have To Worry About: Bras.

In a vague way, of course it occurred to me that it would eventually be a problem. But it was kind of lumped in with clothing in general. I knew I’d have trouble dressing, and understood eventually I would require help. It’s the intermediary stage that is proving to be a pain in the ass. Zippers took a little bit of doing, but eventually I figured out that simply adding key rings to the zipper pulls allowed me to work zippers myself. A little device that looks like a Swiss Army knife helps me with buttons. I worked out a trick for pulling up skirts or dresses down by capturing the fabric between my wheelchair and the palm of my hand to hold the fabric stationary and shifting my body. Makeup gets done two-handed these days.

But bras are tricky. They are fiddly things in the best of times. You have to simultaneously tug and latch tiny hooks into tiny eyelets. At my current state, I can tug or I can latch. You get one. And eventually I won’t be able to do that either. So I’m in this weird in between stage, not quite broken enough to require full-time assistance, but not really able-bodied enough to take care of myself completely either. A lot of days I can’t manage the bra, so I just do without. I really don’t like leaving my house with no bra on, it makes me feel trashy and holy SHIT boob sweat is totally a thing. There are some shirts that I cannot wear if I do not have a bra on. So what is a terminally ill woman whose hands are garbage meat noodles to do?

The obvious answer of course, is to get some help. Have someone else do it. And of course I can, eventually I’ll have to, but I’d rather delay that as long as I can. And it seems stupid that someone hasn’t invented something to cope with this problem. I’m not unique. The situation has come up for other people before. There has to be a solution.

Spoiler alert: there really doesn’t seem to be.

I spent more time and money than I’d like to admit trying to figure out a workaround. There are manufactured solutions for women with limited grip due to arthritis or the like, but they pose two problems. One, they usually go only up to a C cup, and I have not been a C cup since I was maybe 16. Even at my thinnest, I have always been a busty girl, and even normal bras were hard to find in my size. It’s easier these days, but in my 20s I had to shop at “big girl” stores before I was a “big girl”. So your medical device of a bra that only goes up to 38C is just not gonna cut it. Two, they’re ugly as shit. I already had problems with only being allowed to have bras in fat girl beige or white – the alternative is spending $40-$60 each at Lane Bryant or somewhere. (Thank God for Torrid. That’s all I have to say.) But cute or not, they still have the hook and eye closure that is rapidly becoming actually impossible.

There are front closing bras, but that offers the same exact hook and eye closure problem. There are no help. Sports bras are great, but they are necessarily restrictively tight and require strength to get on. So-called adhesive bras don’t work. See: busty girl. They just become kind of glorified pasties, no actual support. And as a bonus, they’re made of self-adhesive silicon which never stays on, or they’re basically stickers made with latex, which I am allergic to. Actual pasties or other kinds of nipple cover solve one problem, but a woman really requires structure when she gets of an age and of a size. A good bra is like an all day hug.

I don’t have an actual solution. My workaround currently is nipple cover stickers and really baggy shirts. Or one bra that I have which I can clasp because it’s too big for me so it doesn’t support well. I have to choose between functional and cute – you make that decision often with chronic or terminal conditions. On special occasions when I would like to dress up, I have to get help. (Again I am very lucky that J was my husband at one point so he’s already seen me naked and it’s not as awkward as it might otherwise be. Again, J is amazing.)

There has to be a better way to this. It’s dumb. Someone invent a magnetic clasp bra that’s strong enough to hold a double D. And hurry it up please, I don’t really have a lot of time to wait.