Walk This Way

I’ll be in a wheelchair someday.

 

This is just fact.  It isn’t sad or depressing, maybe frustrating because I’m powerless to do anything about my own impending powerlessness. For now, I’ve got braces on my legs.  Then probably a cane, and then probably those crutches that have the arm bands.  I’m sure there’s a medical name for them.  Hang on.  Lemme Google that.  They’re called “forearm crutches”.  Well, that’s disappointingly obvious.  There are some pretty cool looking ones tho.  ANYWAY.  Tangent.  Sorry.  After the crutches will be a wheelchair.  Maybe a manual one because my arms are still really good, and maybe not, but certainly, inevitably, an electric one.  Vrooooooom.

 

Even before my diagnosis, when I was losing the ability to walk, everyone told me “you’ll have the coolest wheelchair EVER” and “You’ll have the pimpenest cane EVER”.  And I really, really plan to.  I joke about cards in the spokes and streamers, but dammit, if I’m gonna sit in the fucking thing forever, I’m going to make it a comfortable and classy ride.  And if I’m going to carry something around with me everywhere I go, it IS going to be an awesome cane.

 

A dear friend of mine was having his own sudden health crisis, and he showed up to work with a cane.  He commented that it’s a lot harder to walk with than you’d think.  I don’t doubt it.  With every step of this progression, I am having to relearn how to walk.  I had to learn to be more conscious of my foot drop so I didn’t trip over things.  With the braces, I’m having to learn to trust them not to break and not feel like I have to stoop over when I walk so I don’t lean on them.  They’re so lightweight and springy I feel like they’ll snap, but carbon fiber’s pretty hardcore and as long as I don’t go all Portal with them, I’ll be fine.

 

In said friend’s post, a friend of his commented that he hopes my friend got a really cool cane.  And since my friend is a musician, he linked this one:

 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/93330041/custom-order-walking-cane-tenor-guitar

 

….WHICH IS FUCKING AWESOME.

 

And of course, because etsy is already one of my favorite wastes of time (as evidenced by the number of things from etsy on my Amazon wishlist (thank you very much Amazon for making that feature because it is awesome (okay I think that’s enough parentheses (no, we need to go deeper (ok seriously I’m done (let’s see if I correctly close them all out))))), I poked around on that sire awhile to see what kind of cane I’d buy for myself, if I needed one right now.  And I have a lot of options, just from etsy alone.  I’ve learned a couple of things.

 

1. People on etsy make canes that would actually, physically HURT to use for their intended purpose.   I intend to wear gloves when I have to go this route so I don’t callus the shit out of my hand, but can you imagine having to trust your weight with your hand on this? http://etsy.me/1s3I1Jt
   1. SERIOUSLY.  http://etsy.me/1sIA2hu
   2. http://etsy.me/1r4zhSp  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT, SIR.
2. You can go out in to the woods, pick up a stick, put a rubber stopper on it and call it a cane.  And charge $60 for it.  http://etsy.me/1jkM0O8
   1. Or $69.  http://etsy.me/1nfS31E
   2. http://etsy.me/1r4zIvL  $87 ARE YOU KIDDING ME
   3. HOW IS THAT A CANE http://etsy.me/1s4UxaO THAT IS CLEARLY JUST A STICK THAT YOU FOUND.
3. You can buy canes that are going to break the moment you put your weight on it.  http://etsy.me/1ory69e
   1. Or might look awesome but still look like they’ll break  http://etsy.me/1jinDuJ
   2. Seriously this one is awesome but it feels like it would snap instantly http://etsy.me/1q0FvBT

4. And then there’s this fucking thing.  http://etsy.me/1oJr971  *makes Skeksis noises*  Channnnncellor!
5. Also, there is such a thing as a cane cozy.  http://etsy.me/1oOK1kn  I can’t tell you how much that weirds me out.  Or explain why.  http://etsy.me/U6Ye16  Just..wow.

 

But there are really good ones out there.  A lot of solid, dependable, suited-to-the-purpose-without-being-medical-looking ones.  If I had to get one today, it’d probably be either http://etsy.me/1xErFHy or http://etsy.me/1qoL3Ds .  Or both.  One for dailies, one for Sunday best.  😀

Outfitting yourself with a cool accessory is a powerful coping mechanism, I’m finding.  I feel SO much better about my pills and pills and pills since I made the apothecary shelves with them.  OH!! I haven’t showed you that lately!  I have Apothecabinet Mark II now.  Separate post.  Yep.  It’s like consoling yourself to go through chemo by thinking about all the awesome wigs you can get and have a different hairstyle whenever you feel like it.  I have to take a lot of damned medicines, but I feel better about it dispensing them all from little awesome jars.  Yeah, I’ll have to walk with a cane eventually, but it’s gonna be an awesome accessory, besides being functional.

My chair will totally have metallic glitter paint and stickers.