This Was Spinal Tap

So yeah! Part of my diagnosis cha-cha was getting a spinal tap – lumbar puncture if ya wanna be all techyface about it. It was primarily to eliminate the possibility that I had MS. Of all of the testing and poking and everything, this was the only procedure that I had any real nervousness about. I got some practical advice from t3h J03 who had been through one already, which helped, but I was kinda braced for it to be awful. I’d seen a lot of episodes of House, where they tell the patient to curl up on their side and brace themselves because… *dramatic sympathetic look* …it was going to hurt. I knew it wouldn’t be NEARLY as bad as House makes it look; I wasn’t afraid of the pain, but I had concerns about the possible side effects or complications and just kind of freaked out in general because OHMY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO SHOVE A NEEDLE IN! MY! SPIIIIIIINE!!! YOU HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT OF SPINAL FLUID AND IT COULD ALL LEAK OUT EVERYWHERE!! I COULD DIE!

Obviously I did not die.

It was actually a piece of cake. I’ve honestly had routine blood draws more painful. I wanted to post about it, for the curious, and also to reassure anyone who might need one. THEY ARE LEGIT NOT A BIG DEAL. Technology is amazing, and it’s not nearly as archaic as the tv shows make it to be, and it seriously did not really even hurt. Here’s how it all went down:

I was crazy early, and they also had some emergencies come through so they actually took me back 45 minutes late. They were playing The View on the little waiting room TV, which cemented my hatred of daytime television. So many screeching women talking about shit that doesn’t matter. When you have the former World’s Fattest Man on your show to talk about his amazing weight loss story and his reentry into society, and his girlfriend joins the panel, IT IS VERY RUDE TO ASK ABOUT THE MECHANICS OF THEIR SEX LIFE. Specially as he was so, so very British. I could FEEL the discomfort off of the television.  UGH HOW DO PEOPLE WATCH TELEVISION.

So I was very happy to be taken back!

I changed out of my clothes into pants and gown big enough to swim in. My tech apologized that she did not have smaller pants, just do the best I could. I could have fit in them three times over. We went into the radiology room, where I had a bit of blood drawn for something or other, and I literally did not feel it. I watched him do it and everything, and commented on his magic touch. Blood draws aren’t particularly painful or anything, but it was weird to feel nothing at all. 

The tech explained everything that was going to happen, step by step. Here is this big-ass table, upon which you will lie as still as you can, we will use live x-ray to see exactly where we are going, and if you feel any discomfort at all please tell us. The radiologist came in and did the same, and I signed the consent forms and crawled up on to the table. They had me lay flat on my stomach, and the tech was all “I’m just gonna pull these down a bit,” meaning the pants, and promptly exposed my entire ass to the room. THANKS LADY. HI HAVE THAT. They chatted amicably while they worked, about skiing vacations and everything while he washed my back down with iodine which I swear to GOD they store in the freezer. I was warned it was going to be cold but HOLY CRAP KIDS. That, I think, was the worst part of the whole ordeal, and really it was nothing. He marked the spot he wanted, and jabbed lidocaine under my skin. That pricked a little, but no big deal. He was watching himself work under the x-ray monitor to guide the needle through. I felt it push in, which was a weird jolt of pressure, and kept waiting for the pain, which never came. He pulled out a vial of maybe like, a tablespoon of fluid, and then three more vials of like a half teaspoon each. One of them would be tested for MS, and I’m not sure what other battery of tests were done. It was weird to see these vials of clear fluid and think that your brain is floating in that stuff. 

And then we were done. I think I was in that room for twenty minutes, most of which was waiting for the doctor to show up. Maybe ten minutes on the table, tops. I was wheeled on a gurney to a recovery room, where I had to lay for twenty five minutes or so to make sure my spine wasn’t going to leak out everywhere. They gave me a sammich to eat while hanging out. I kinda expected to feel…something. But I was totally fine. No headache, no nausea, no dizziness, nothing. So I got dressed and we got out of there. Danielle hung out with me that afternoon to keep an eye on me, but I think she was a little surprised at how little I needed tending to; she even made a comment as she left about feeling useless. I was perfectly fine, and able to get around okay.  The only result from the tap was eventually I got a bit of soreness across my lower back, which just felt like I was sitting too long, and the rare side effect of a spinal headache. I had actually resigned myself to getting a spinal headache, since headaches and I have such a close relationship, but most people don’t. Spinal headaches are strange; if you stand up, it hurts, but reclined in bed you feel perfectly fine.  I was able to go back to work quickly, but I had to kick my feet up on the desk and recline for most of the day. It’s not a conducive posture to actually getting much work done.

All in all, I think it felt a bit anticlimactic, if anything. I was geared up for ….something, and it was totally nothing. No big deal. At all.

So now you know.