So I got the CPAP machine yesterday! It’s pretty. It’s The AirSense 10 Autoset by ResMed. Or maybe the Elite. I don’t remember. It’s a lot smaller than I expected it to be. The sleep study put this expectation in my brain that it was going to be this massive machine next to my head, when it turned out to be the size of an alarm clock. With a hose.

That heats up!

My respiratory therapist (I have a respiratory therapist! I forget how many that makes in my Medical Posse) showed me how everything works, how to run the morning report, how to clean everything, how often to clean it, when to reorder supplies. And then I signed a contract that said yes I promise I will use this at least 21 days over the next 30 to show I’m SRS BZNS about CPAPpage. No, really, I had to do that. Or pay for the whole thing out of pocket ($1900!) after 30 days or return it to Providence. Weird. And then we fitted me for a mask, and I got one called “Wisp” because it was less strappy-constraint around my noggin. I’m at a relatively low pressure setting, I guess, which is good for beginners. Yay for me. The whole thing fits into a small case, like, I had school binders bigger than this thing, probably. I could put a vandalized Pee-Chee in here and feel nostalgic. But for now it’s just a softcover case, totally would fit in my backpack like it ain’t no thang when I travel.

The first night was challenging as I expected. I took an ambien to make sure I was able to sleep at all. It took a long time to stop feeling like I was suffocating and forcing myself to breathe out. The cats flipped out. I knew they would. When I laid down to sleep, Molly crawled up my torso like she was stalking a beast, pupils wide as saucers, jumping away when I touched her. Ianto was having NONE of that thank you very much, and slept in the hallway, and Parmesan, well. He’s 22 years old. He settled in next to my face as usual. And the awesome thing about the CPAP is that he was flopped over on my face and I could still breathe for a change! It was like…kitty scuba diving. With the only fishes being the ones on his breath. That I couldn’t smell. Because CPAP! It’s MAGIC!

I slept pretty hard, but I don’t know if that was CPAPpage or Ambien-ce. I took the mask off at like, 5:30, I think. I don’t remember. I remember being glad it has auto shutoff. My morning report said I used it for 7 hours and had an average of .4 ‘incidents’ an hour. Which I guess meant I stopped breathing? All of this will be sent to my doctor. By the built-in cell modem. Which I will be honest? Freaks me out a little. It’s like, Big Brother is Watching You Sleep. Fantastic if it helps, but it still feels like I’ve got a little snitch on my bedside. With a heated coil tube and a humidifier. Snitches…have switches?

I don’t even know where I was going with that.

ANYWAY. So I have this thing now, and it’s probably going to be part of my life from here out. Until it’s swapped out with a different breathing machine, I expect. It will eventually become routine to me. I can teach myself to get used to this.

Not sure about the cats, though.